2010: The Year in Gay

[originally printed in fab issue 441 – December 22, 2010]

The 1984 film 2010 predicted this would be “The Year We Make Contact.” Sure, but with insanity? This was the year, it seems, everyone went nuts — Charlie Sheen, the Toronto police, Mel Gibson and the cast of Glee for thinking they could pull off Rocky Horror. Take a look back with us now, and pass the Gravol…

Following the horrific G20 weekend, a poll finds that nearly 75 percent of Toronto residents are fine with the police’s tactics (the remaining 25 percent of the city were arrested). Two days after the G20 debacle, Toronto police hold a Pride Week meet-andgreet at The 519 but respond to protests outside by turning our community centre into a fortress. Worst. PR. Ever.

We watch the epic finales of Lost, Ugly Betty and The Hills (OMG, The Hills!), then throw away our televisions because really, what’s the point?

 

If there’s a heaven or some great queer afterlife built of pure joy, Will Munro is there, lounging on pillows with a harem of hot boys in Y-front briefs, while Brendan Burke is scoring the winning goal against Russia in the ’72 Olympics again and again.

 

Apple introduces the iPad in May, followed by the iPhone 4 in July, thereby making all gay men its slaves. Grindr is the closest thing we get to an adult gay app, while Apple starts to censor any sexy ones. Gays have to fight to have the antigay Manhattan Declaration app removed. Look for the iCollar in 2011.

Ricky Martin and Will & Grace’s Sean Hayes come out as gay, revelations that shock three residents of a small Amish village.

 

 

Toronto city Councillor Adam Giambrone starts the year being outed as gay by NOW. Weeks later his run for mayor ends when he’s caught cheating on his girlfriend with another woman. Could the whole thing be some brilliant All About Eve plot concocted by Giambrone’s assistant, Kevin Beaulieu, in his well-deserved rise to power?

 

Tracey Sandilands and the Pride Toronto board censor activists from using the phrase “Israeli apartheid” in the parade. Then they don’t. Then they do. Then they don’t. Then they….oh, God, just let them march so we can ignore them, already. For its part, QuAIA (Queers Desperate to March in the Parade) is going to need one hell of a bake sale to raise enough money to hire next Pride’s washed-up ’80s pop star.

Kylie Minogue, Pink and Katy Perry each release videos that include boys making out. As a part of the media elite, fab declares it this year’s greatest trend and demands more in 2011. Are you hearing us, OK Go?

 

Horrified by the suicides of five gay American teens in one terrible month, columnist Dan Savage starts the It Gets Better campaign, which gets hundreds of great people making videos to cheer up bullied kids. And, umm, to promote their products or careers.

 

NFL player Todd Herremans tweets that he’s upset by the new True Blood season because of its “barrage of homosexuality.” Has he not seen seasons one or two? He’s on to us, though; first, we lure the straight guys in with lots of boobs and then, bam, they get a cock in their faces! (Actually, that is exactly what happens in Piranha 3D.)

Dalton McGuinty proudly announces a new-and-improved sex-ed curriculum for Ontario schools. It is then quickly revoked after complaints from parents who want their kids to believe babies come from storks and gay people don’t exist. McGuinty lamely insists the plan is merely “on hold” — just like our respect for him.

Vancouver hosts the Winter Olympics and the spectacular opening ceremony features Cirque du Soleil, beautiful whale effects, forest dancers, Sarah McLachlan and kd lang. Finally, Canada celebrates its status as the world’s true Lesbian Nation.

 

A study of UK university students finds that 89 percent of straight men feel completely comfortable kissing another guy. A US study’s number was even higher, but solely because of James Franco. Seriously, our favourite actor/grad student/soap star/novelist/model/short-film director is just one more gay role away from eclipsing Margaret Cho as our top fag-hag.

From Sydney to London to Toronto and soon to Broadway, the great Tony Sheldon, sexy fab coverboys Nick Adams and Thom Allison, a truckload of sequined costumes and the cast of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert prove that you can make a spectacularly successful musical out of a glittering purseful of gay anthems we’ve heard a thousand goddamned times already.

A fire at 200 Wellesley St E leaves hundreds of people homeless but triggers a massive outpouring of support from the queer community, who, contrary to popular belief, can do a lot more than dance and drink martinis.

 

For her tireless efforts in promoting aid to Africa, singer Annie Lennox is named International Goodwill Ambassador for the Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS (UNAIDS). She’ll travel the world and the seven seas; who am I to disagree?

What we learned from celebrity deaths:

Tony Curtis — He was the James Franco of the ’50s, bitches.

Corey Haim — The Lost Boyswas the 1980’s top gay porn title.

Alexander McQueen — Some adults need an It Gets Better video, too.

Jackie Burroughs — Fuck off, Don Cherry: she was Canada.

Gary Coleman — It’s respectful to wait 1.4 minutes before mocking someone’s death.

Rue McClanahanBetty White is The Highlander.

Dixie Carter — Gay men adore southern belles, rightwing or otherwise.

Leslie Nielsen — Surely he had more than one line?

Cher returns in the flop movie Burlesque, which features her new song, “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me.” It’s a threat you can dance to.

 

Wow, a new pill called Truvada can prevent HIV infection? Fill my prescription! What’s that? It only reduces the risk by 43 percent and costs $1,000 a month? Pass the condoms, please.

 

In a dispute over creative control, Proud FM abruptly terminates hosts Deb Pearce and Shaun Proulx, who each go on to front TV shows (foQus and The Shaun Proulx Show). Well, that’ll learn ‘em.

It’s been said a film must seduce an audience like a lover. This year, the lesbian thrills of Black Swan and The Kids Are All Right penetrated the mass market, but the kinky stylings of LA Zombie and Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives had to fight censorship. This is why every gay-themed movie needs EwanI Love You Phillip MorrisMcGregor: he’s the Astroglide of movie stars.

St Paul, Minnesota, pastor Michael Becker declares that God did not create anal sex. This is obviously silly, since of course God did. He loves how it makes people scream his name.

 

The Pope calls gay marriage “insidious and dangerous,” dismisses investigations of ongoing child sexual abuse in the Catholic Church as “petty gossip” and, surprisingly, finally admits that using condoms can be moral. Like say, when you hire a male prostitute. Either the pope is now completely insane or he really, really needs to fire his translator.

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About Scott Dagostino

An arts & culture journalist who's the bastard love child of Van Morrison and Jessica Mitford
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