A fab future

[originally printed in fab issue 400 – June 9, 2010]

“Time travel is exhausting!” says filmmaker Josh Levy, one of an all-star panel of futurists fab asked to help celebrate…not our 400th issue, but our even more exciting 500th issue, due in 2014! Scott Dagostino travelled by DeLorean, TARDIS, hot-tub and naked Skynet Time Displacement Unit to tell us what’s to come…

Tim McCaskell, educator
Pride 2014 announces its new name: the TD Bank Summer Tourism Festival. There’s a new business-casual dress code for paraders — suits for boys, skirts for girls — and all participants must prominently display their corporate sponsor’s logo at all times or face trespassing charges.

Craig Dominic, DJ
On Pride Day, I trek all the way out to Kennedy Station for Blockorama’s new space before heading back to the Village’s main stage, where Lady Gaga is performing, wearing the plain white T-shirt and jeans that revitalized her career last year.

Donnarama, drag superstar
The end of the Mayan calendar led to shocking consequences: the world was invaded by giant green alien superbeings, leading to fab’s first-ever Anal Probe issue. These green fingers in our bums have led to serious relationships, and our marriage laws are once again under debate. But Nina Arsenault, now fully bionic, leads the revolt against the invaders, banding together with Lena Love and myself to form the “Rectum Rebellion: those who must remain unprobed to retain their tuck.”

Jason Bone, illustrator
With fab now projected directly into the visual cortex, models in the fashion layouts look exactly like you or your favourite actor/model/pornstar (mine looks like Hugh Jackman), ending complaints about fab not representing “me.”

Todd Klinck, co-owner of Goodhandy’s
With no choice but to join the digital revolution, fab no longer exists in print and is available only online and on smartphones. The fab guy is now required to show cock (because really, what’s the point without seeing cock?). Canada has decriminalized sex work and marijuana, so I am now involved in a modern brothel/nightclub/restaurant complex, finally fulfilling my secret desire to put ”Pimp” as my job description on my tax return.

Shawn Syms, writer
Mayor Rob Ford appears on the cover of fab’s 500th issue wearing an Argos football jersey and a blue jockstrap. He experienced a change of heart after hiring a poz gay man as his executive assistant. Matt Thomas, associate editor of fab, is elected Mr Bear Toronto 2014, while fab reports on World Pride rescinding their grand marshall choice — Queers Against Israeli Apartheid — after recently reelected US prez Barack Obama announces a two-state solution to the longstanding conflict. The first two-person Together photo is published in fab after a year of poly-foursomes and leather families.

Drasko Bogdanovic, photographer and fab guy finder
After Keith Cole was elected mayor of Toronto, the whole city turned so gay that fab is now published daily.

Ryan G Hinds, entertainer
You’re reading the 500th issue of fab on the newly uncovered Second Cup steps, now called the Ginger steps. Who’s still around? Not Miss Conception, who was last seen on Broadway, Tony award in hand. Ill Na Na are backing up Janet Jackson on her world tour. Keith Cole is finishing a scandal-free mayoral term. Sofonda Cox not only won Rupaul’s Drag Race, she’s the new host. As for yours truly? I was crushed to death by an errant lighting rig while singing the final high G in ”Nessun Dorma” at Buddies in Bad Times. Don’t cry for me, Church St.

Chris Vanderluit, bartender
With homosexual marriage rampant, people are now allowed to marry their pet rattlesnakes or even their favourite feather pillows. I lead this charge by marrying my feline boyfriend, Spots, who in 2014 is now of legal age in Canada, and we become fab’s first gay human-feline Together article.

Kris Steeves, DJ
The 500th issue features more body hair — furry tushes and bigger bushes. Death to the razor! For World Pride, I DJ a gig at the top of the CN Tower. Also, Justin Bieber‘s balls drop and his career ends.

Michael Pihach, journalist
Toronto’s queer community is now 10 times heavier, due to years of eating greasy Hero burgers. Rogers Communications has bought out fab, and it is now strictly an iPhone app. Sofonda Cox owns her own drag bar; stylist Maha has returned to TV; Adam Lambert has bought Crews & Tangos and opened a karaoke club. With more gay men adopting kids, fly has opened a nursery behind the coat check. Due to government cuts, the community is now paying for Toronto Pride itself with the new 25 percent Pride tax on all cover charges at queer clubs.

Fay Slift, ladybear
The corner of Church and Wellesley is radically changed. The streets are paved in gold lamé, and instead of lamp posts, there are erect muscle bears holding Febreze Air Effects candles. Throughout the neighbourhood wafts the warm glow of poppers. Breathe deep. Me, well, I’m soaking my teeth and my ankles. My weight has fluctuated, like my temper, and I still love this city. We ain’t never gonna be New York or San Francisco, but the truth is, like a good bottle of Maria Christina, with age comes bitterness.

Keith Cole, mayoral candidate
I have just successfully completed my first three-year term as mayor of Toronto, and I am running again for the top job. I am expected to win by a landslide. Pride Toronto celebrates World Pride by highlighting local Toronto artists and paying them a decent fee for the first time. We have solved global warming and turned the environment around, thanks to some geeky science-minded queers, and fab is now 200 pages big.

David Tomlinson, actor/writer
Most of Toronto is underwater, thanks to the cataclysmic events of 2012, and we’re communicating in Atlantean, as the lost civilization has returned. The pansexual Atlanteans embraced the queer community and quickly enslaved the straight population, leading to the renaming of World Pride as Atlantean Pride and the introduction of undersea pharmaceuticals that make ecstasy look like Advil. Meanwhile, each issue of fab is four pages long, as all articles have been reduced to 140-character tweets, but happily, the pictures of naked sweaty men remain the same size.

Rolyn Chambers, fab Deep Dish columnist
I finally retire and relinquish my column to someone younger and fresher, though it’s much harder for this person to report on gay events, as the word “gay” is now a thing of the past. Church St has stepped up its game, competing for dominance with upstart Queen West and East communities. Turf wars take place as each community invades the other to recruit members into their folds. Queer Westers travel on used pink bikes shouting “West is best,” and Queer Easters roam the streets on pink Vespas chanting “In the East, we have feasts.” Meanwhile, Church Streeters rev up their pink hybrid cars and lead queers back to the centre with dance music and promises of lip gloss.

Vong Sundara, comedian
An article in fab’s 500th issue reads “Gay Is Contagious!” It seems that the high concentration of straight men, women and children year after year at Toronto Pride has lowered their resistance to the innate gay urges inherent in all human beings. The unparalleled concentration of gayness during the World Pride summer of 2014 has unlocked the secret key to the potential of the gay gene, and Toronto has gone completely gay, its skies turned a smoggy shade of pink.

Ralph Hamelmann, Queer Idol host
In the wake of Armageddon on Dec 21, 2012, the chosen few are rebuilding the planet. By 2014, fab has resurfaced in a hand-printed format (using a potato stamp, old red wine and recycled sanitary napkins). Mandy Goodhandy reluctantly assumes the role of earth’s Empress and gains popularity with her weekly public spankings. Proud FM reaches new heights with their state-of-the-art network of Dixie cups and string, but because the only karaoke track to survive the 2012 upheaval was Hanson’s “Mmm Bop,” Queer Idol has become a haven for comatose crack users and masochists.

Vong Sundara, comedian
An article in fab’s 1000th issue reads “Straight Is Okay!” 2034 is the year the Straight Pride movement begins to take off, aided by campaigns by the world’s governments to help promote baby-making.

Mitchel Raphael, Macleans columnist
The cover of fab #1000 features Canada’s first gay prime minister, a Conservative with amazing hair and a dungeon at 24 Sussex. His drug past has come back to haunt him, and he’s jokingly referred to as the GG PM, but he has appointed a real trans person as transport minister. The left-wing media accuses him of being tokenistic, even though it’s Nina Arsenault. Nina still looks exactly as she did in 2010, except she covers her other eye with her hair.

Steven Bereznai, author of Queeroes
By 2034, widespread tanning has turned half the gay population into super-powered beings who fly about in silver Speedos, stopping fashion crimes and battling their arch-nemesis Full Price and her robotic henchman UE (Unrealistic Expectations). The other half have also mutated, thanks to utraviolet tanning rays, but they’ve turned into vampiric creatures of the night. The all-night club scene comes back briefly, before guys realize it’s still easier to hook up online.

Andrew Awesome, member of Gangbangaz
In the summer of 2034, the only gaybashing taking place is between Donnarama and Daytona Bitch, as they argue over who invented Cougargon, an injection that halts the aging process. Mitchel Raphael’s Sodom Party is in power: elected on a platform shoe, immortalized on the cover of fab and then chucked in the blue bin after a quick yank. Bieber Fever is curable at the Hassle Free Clinic, but there is still a terrible stigma and no one wants to admit they had it. It’s truly a time of peace of ass. The world is most awesome.

David Ivey, Mr Leatherman Toronto 2010
At 46, I’m attending Pride 2034, and we aren’t having debates about what could harm the viewer’s good sensibilities or the latest buzzword that could cost us our funding; we’re celebrating what makes us special, unique and fabulous. There are no straight models hocking banks and condoms, just muscled leather daddies partying with radical black lesbians. And most importantly, we all stop a moment to remember those queers who got us where we are today, and we have a roaring good time in their honour.

Jaime Woo, communications consultant
I’m at the Canadian Lesbian and Gay Archives’ giant exhibition of materials from its erotica collection. The people are looking with curiosity at 2D, non-interactive titillation.

Jesse Trautmann, writer/ blogger
At 53, I’m still single and shaving my ass. The 1000th issue has just broadcast. I’m sitting on a patio having a drink as queers’ phones start beeping. I see a half-naked male model on my screen. Thankfully, some things never change.

Drasko Bogdanovic, photographer
Nina Arsenault is our Governor General, the Queen’s true representative. Best of all, capri pants and gladiator sandals no longer exist!

Jesse Trautmann, writer/blogger
After being cryofrozen for more than a century, my money runs out, and an attractive male nurse gets the go-ahead from corporate to unplug me. He puts down his 5000th issue of fab and takes my body from the cryochamber to a cemetery. There is no funeral because no one knows I’m thawed. As my body begins to rot, my bodily fluids start leaking out, mostly through my rectum. Damn, I think, as I roll in my grave, I should have been more of a top!

Jaime Woo, communications consultant
In 2194, I look forward to a twink shield, one that not even the shrillest of queens will be able to shatter.

Barbie-Q and Hard Cora, fabulous members of the B-Girlz
“Kora, in the year 2194, what do you think will still be around?”
Betty White! You know, Barbie-Q, I worry about the global climate crisis…”
“You’re so green, Kora.”
“In the future, what will cars run on?”
“Roads?”
“You’re an idiot.”
“I wonder what new products Apple will come up with.”
“True, Barbie-Q, they have the iPod, the iPhone, the iPad….
What’s next?”
“The iPatch!”
“What would it do?”
“You could wear it on your eye and use it to patch things, like clothes…”
“You know what you could use?”
“What, Kora?”
“An iQ. Too bad Apple doesn’t have an app for that.”

Daniel Allen Cox, novelist
I’m forced to watch my 2010 novel Krakow Melt become a relic: in 2194, no one believes that Polish queers routinely had rocks, bottles and bags of shit thrown at them during Pride marches in the early 21st century.

Josh Levy
The easy availability of prenatal genetic testing had led to the widespread abortion of LGBT fetuses, but an amazing reversal takes place in 2194: in a lastditch effort to halt uncontrolled population growth, the World Government decrees that only three percent of the population (selected by lottery) will be permitted to pursue reproductive heterosexual relationships. The rest of the planet is forced to embrace homosexuality. Of course, some things never change: fab still has hot guys on the cover.

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About Scott Dagostino

An arts & culture journalist who's the bastard love child of Van Morrison and Jessica Mitford
This entry was posted in Culture, Silliness. Bookmark the permalink.

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